A few years ago my depression started.
I was drinking heavily and lost a lot through it all after the passing of my mother. Not only her had I lost but I lost my savings, my job and on long term partner.
I gained panic attacks and lost self confidence. I effectively turned to a hermit. I've now been this way for 6 years.
I do fear for my health in general. I was a happy person before mom died had plenty of friends and loved to go out. I was learning to drive, planning on moving out and everything was going well.
When it all hit I felt lost.
Over the years I've gotten a lot worse before I Got better. Some people don't help with this if I'm honest. They lay the blame solely on my drinking as the focal point for everything.
The more time passes, the better I feel from a depression point of view but that's because I've nothing to actually be depressed about. I rarely go out other than maybe a day out travelling a month, food shopping and general pick ups from the off license for alcohol, tobacco crisps pop etc.
I've now Got to the point where I'm happy doing nothing and the complacency is setting in. I want to do something but I hate being outdoors. I want to walk around in the summer but I sweat too much. I want to be out in public but I hate crossing the paths of groups of people.
This is not an alcohol problem. This is a mental problem.
People who don't understand this first need to understand that no one person's life is perfect. We all have problems no matter how well to do or higher us the social ladder we are. The difference is how we actually deal with it as an individual and by proxy as a family / friend unit.
Since I lost mom I've genuinely felt lost. She was my best friend I'm not going to deny that. I loved her and then she went the way she did. When she died I couldn't even bring myself to go to the hospital she was in on the day. It just felt futile.
As a result of this I have to live with this so called guilt every day whilst also knowing I was too weak and if I'd have seen her dead after 6 months or so of watching her dying I would really have cracked.
There are some things people should not see nor tolerate and seeing your own parent going in that way stirred a imbalance in my head. This resulted in the depression and then the heavy drinking which did, I agree amplify my degenerated state.
I write this blog for anyone who actually reads it to try and stop thinking about how to blame everyone is. Some people just are not strong enough and even though I'm still going it's a bloody nightmare to live with when your in a slump.
Just please be more aware of loved one's suffering and don't use it as ammunition against them - especially when you know nothing of them Of the circumstances if you've recently fell into contact with them. it's not your place to judge something you weren't there for. You can only try and help.
Try talking to them, don't let it fester and offer anything you think they need, be it something warm to eat or your time to visit them or go out with them. It may be hard for you to watch or deal with, but it's harder for the person living it.
Andy x
